public diary

To Youth

poscaorange — Thu, 02 May 2013 22:20:05 -0400

It didn’t happen all of the sudden, it sort of crept in just like how the clothes in my bedroom pile up. Colors became brighter, sounds were more audible, and everything tasted delicious. It felt like something was waking up inside of me. When I started to feel it, I had no idea what to make of it. Everything I knew and understood completely shifted. For a few days, I kept to myself and tried to understand what was happening to my bubble of a world. Approaching my mom about it was out of the question because for some odd reason I just knew that she wouldn’t understand.

The first hard hitting experience I had was when I took my dog Goldie on a walk about three weeks before graduating high school. There I was, loosely holding that brown leather leash, surrounded by hundreds of lower middle class homes. I had been in that scene a million times before and it always felt so familiar. But that day, the houses almost looked like they were tired, bored, and distant.

Then, I came to a sudden stop because my heart started to race. “Hold on Goldie,” I said, more for myself than to her, and Goldie responded obediently.

I closed my eyes, put my hand up to my chest, and let out a long sigh. That sigh felt unnaturally good. Once I opened my eyes, I looked up at the sky because it instantly caught my attention. The clouds were swirling. From what I could see, there must have been about a dozen clumps of white clouds, rapidly twisting and mating with each other. It was shaped like a whirlpool but it moved within itself like a winding snake. It was the most bizarre yet beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and it all appeared out of nowhere.

I whispered to myself, “Oh my god.”

Then panic started to take over. My eyes scoured the street for someone to share this with, and I eventually spotted an older man, watering his dead grass, hoping to revive it.

“HEY! LOOK! LOOK UP!” I screamed while running towards him with a finger in the air and Goldie catching up from behind.

The man put his hands over his eyes to shield the sun, and squinted at the sky.

“What is it? Where?” he asked, slightly annoyed.

“Are you kidding me? Everywhere! Look at the swirls!” I yelled.

“I don’t see it.” he said matter of factly, “Hold on, let me get my glasses.”

“WHAT? You don’t need your glasses, it’s huge! You can’t see that?!” I said with disbelief.

I heard the front door of this man’s house open and my eyes veered away from the sky for a moment. A girl just a couple years older than me darted out the front door, effortlessly hopped over the garden of baby hydrangeas and came right up to the man. Her mouth moved quickly, spewing words of some Eastern European language without once glancing at the clouds. Once she was finished speaking to who I assume was her father, the man glared at me, chucked his hose to the ground and muttered while walking inside, “God damn kids.”

Before I had time to tell this girl what was going on, she said, “Alright, relax,” and pulled me and Goldie to the side of her house. The area surrounding us was overflowing with flowers and lawn ornaments arranged very ambiguously. “Don’t be scared,” she said in a comforting voice. She had straight blonde bangs and she smelt like she was just cooking. Her blue eyes, veiled by long thick eyelashes closed for one moment and she began again, “You feel weird, right? The colors, the noise, the smells?”

“What? How do you-” I stammered.

“Look, I need you to listen to me carefully, okay? You want to sit down? Let’s sit,” she said without waiting for my answer. We settled down on a patch of limp grass and I thought about how sad they must have felt. Then she started again, “Things are only gonna get weirder. This happens, you’ll get used to it, you might love it, and then you’ll change again.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? Who the fuck are you? What about the god damn clouds, do you see them?” I said.

“I’m Jessie, sorry,” she said and gazed dreamily at the sky, “Yup, I see the clouds. They’re gorgeous aren’t they? They’ll move like that as long as you’re in the current”.

I shook my head and said, “Current? What??”

“The current, “ she said, pronouncing each word slowly. “I mean, that’s what I call it but I’m sure others have their own name for it.” She plucked a dandelion that was nearly neon yellow near her foot and caressed the petals. I felt a strange comfort when she did this.

“You’re in a ‘new world,’ per say,” she began, “It starts physically. You’ve already experienced the vivid colors and the sky, obviously. That’s one of the first things we all see. That’s how I knew you were changing. So the colors, the smells, the sounds – Oh, have you listened to any music yet?”

“Uh, no. I mean not today,” I replied.

“Oh man, you are in for a treat,” she said quickly while squeezing the juices from the stem of the flower. “So anyway, once the physical changes happen, then you move on to the mental changes. I don’t want to spoil things for you but you’ll see. Everyone around our age feels the current in some way, it’s just more subtle. They’ll feel more emotional, more open, more energized, but for others like us, it’s heightened. You’re going to think about things that you’ve never thought of. You’re going to feel so much emotion that you’re not going to be able to handle it sometimes. And your mind is going to stretch so far that your possibilities are actually endless. You can fly, you can stop time, you can do whatever you want as long as you can think of it and you truly want it.”

The thought caught my attention, “I can fly?”

“Yeah, I mean of course, you have to work at it though, it’s not going to just come. I can barely do it. And of course, you have to be fucking careful about it. Once someone outside the current becomes suspicious, you lose it.”

“I don’t get it, why me, why you?”

She shrugged. “I mean, why do some people start balding in high school? Why do people like watching golf? Why is the world round? I don’t know, just happens.”

I sighed. “I can’t, I can’t do this. We have to go to the fucking police. Or the fucking doctor”. I threw my hands up, “What are we doing right now?”

“No, no, no. Don’t you see it? This is incredible. This is our world. This is our secret. We’re in this together; we share this beautiful thing, youth.” She bit her lip and said, “Besides, anyone outside the deep current doesn’t get it. They’ll think you’re on drugs.”

We sat in silence for a little. I appreciated that she gave me some time to soak things in.

“Why does this happen? How many of us does this happen to?” I demanded.

“Who knows?” Jessie shrugged. “I know about three people who are deep enough to see the clouds. One of them is even deeper than us. He’s at a mental hospital.” Her voice trailed off but she quickly recovered. “Don’t dwell on the details, trust me. Look, I have to get inside.” She started to get up and dust off her jeans, “Can you meet me at the Willowbrook Mall tomorrow at noon? I’ll help you.”

I nodded and attempted to ask her more questions, but she was too quick with her next thought. “Oh you know what, I didn’t catch your name,” she said while walking backwards up the porch.

“Kyra,” I said.

“Cool. See you tomorrow,” and she was gone.

______

That next day, Jessie led me to the food court in the Willowbrook Mall.

We sat near a Blimpie at a small two-person table off to the side. She told me to stick my tongue out and lick the air. I felt ridiculous doing it, but then, I tasted it. I tasted the oily Chinese food, the hand sanitizer that was poured on a child’s hands, the spearmint gum on the bottom of the table, the cologne on a hefty Italian man. I tasted all of it from the air.

Jessie smirked and looked up at me, “Pretty incredible, right?”

My mouth was wide open, and I could even taste it just from breathing. “I don’t even know what to say. I mean, kind of disgusting but yeah, definitely incredible,” I laughed.

Afterwards, we sat and people-watched. Just from observing for twenty minutes, I felt every emotion I’ve ever experienced; compassion, desire, confusion, rage, and everything in between. I had never looked at strangers this way. They all had their own stories.

When Jessie chuckled, it took a while to remember where I was. “What?” I said defensively.

Still smiling she said, “Nothing. You just remind me of my first few days in it and it’s nostalgic. Lately I’ve been feeling strange. I’m twenty-two now so I’ll probably fade away from it soon”.

The thought of her leaving the current startled me. “Wait, so what happens after the current?”

Jessie looked down and played with her phone. “Who knows? Maybe there’s another current that we don’t know about. Maybe there’s a different current in your thirties or forties. All I know is that this slowly fades away and you forget it. I only know because I’ve watched someone fade from it. It was disappointing, to be honest.”

The mall started to mute as our minds both went into deep thought about those last few words.

After a few seconds she asked, “Can I give you some advice?”

“I’d appreciate it,” I nodded.

She looked down, then up at me with seriousness. “Just take it for what it is. This feeling, don’t over think, don’t dive too deep, don’t lose yourself, cause that’s the other side of all of this. When you’re young, your emotions are polarized. You feel so much and maybe that’s why some of us do unexplainable things like commit suicide. And the possibilities are endless, yeah, but you can’t go around shooting people. That’s not how it works. Don’t get lost in it.”

At this point, I think Jessie was speaking to herself.

“And you know what, that’s a waste because being young is fucking great. Yeah. You know, sometimes I feel so emotional for no damn reason that I feel like crying, right there in the middle of class, in the grocery store, in the car. It just comes and goes. But it’s not necessarily bad, sometimes I feel like crying because I’m so happy. I don’t know why, but I don’t care, because it’s fantastic, because you feel something. And sometimes I feel so liberated as if I’ve been sleeping my whole life and I’ve finally opened my eyes. There are no limits, no boundaries; nothing can get in your way if you want it be like that.” She had been looking around at the mall this whole time but now she looked straight at me. “Whatever it is, being young is something like a miracle because you can feel your soul physically moving, as if it’s waking up. That’s why it’s the most beautiful thing in this world. You feel alive”.

I’ve finally decided on a new years resolution. I want to find something that I am okay at...

poscaorange — Fri, 25 Jan 2013 14:04:51 -0500

I’ve finally decided on a new years resolution. I want to find something that I am okay at and become an expert at it. I want to fine tune my skills and really perfect something. This is obviously going to take more than a year but I figured I’ll take the year to focus myself and start the narrowing process. What will it be? Public speaking? Skiing? Food tasting?

What I learned from my friend.

poscaorange — Sat, 24 Nov 2012 23:32:00 -0500

A few key points from a great conversation I had this weekend:

1. NEVER SAY “I AM TIRED”

I am absolutely disgustingly guilty of this. Oh those three words, how often I use them for every fucking situation. They are empty words. At this point in our society and in my life, they actually mean nothing at all. They are fillers, excuses, sounds, but nothing more. I say “I am tired” when I am bored, when I am sad, when I am busy, when I am angry, when I am tired. My friend had said that she removed this weightless sentence from her life and she now feels more energized. I want that. I want to be more conscious of what I say even if it is something as minuscule as this. These tiny conscious steps take us to that next level.

2. PARADOX OF CHOICE

There are so many options/choices in modern society that we have evolved (or devolved) to either become indecisive or unhappy with any decision that we actually do make. Less is more. I am also so goddamn guilty of this. The other day, I went to the supermarket to purchase dish detergent. It took me 15 whole minutes to decide between about 20 different detergents. Okay, it took me 15 minutes but that means I made a well thought out choice that is going to make me happier. Right? Wrong, I wasted 15 min, I was stressed and overwhelmed with how many options there were, the dish detergent did not significantly impact my life, and when I went home that day, I thought to myself, “maybe I should have gotten the bigger size”. There are so many options in our lives that it is overwhelming. Some people think that we all want a ton of options so we can choose the perfect option for ourselves. Sometimes this makes us not want to choose at all. Think of the time when you went to a store to buy a shirt and thought, you know, I could probably find this in a better color and a better price. All of this does not apply just to consumer goods/services. What about that that time you were sitting in a classroom thinking, I could be doing better things with my time. I could be doing my homework, I could be at work, I could be at 6 flags, I could be smoking pot with my friends. The point is, too many options prevent us from focusing on the most important thing in life, living. Our minds are never in one place so how can anyone enjoy the moment?

Thanks Jen.

New jersey, such a love hate relationship.

poscaorange — Fri, 08 Jun 2012 22:40:00 -0400

New jersey, such a love hate relationship.

A real story

poscaorange — Tue, 22 May 2012 13:35:17 -0400

I have another personal blog that I write on from time to time. I found this post from last year and I just read it. It is crazy. This is an actual situation that happened to me and thinking back, wow what a good story. I edited out some personal stuff but enjoy.

Last night was just horrible. I tried getting into the club without an id and they absolutely wouldn’t. I tried everything I really did. Then I went to a diner and started crying because, well I don’t know to be honest. The waitress was a sweet heart and gave me tea and skittles. She was spanish. So the waitress was telling me about her son who was killed pretty much right before her eyes. Killed by a ‘stupid woman’ driving. He was 5. She showed me a picture. She was saying how she was very depressed and tried to kill herself 2 times. But she got 2 more kids I believe, after that one and her life is better. Very kind woman, I hugged her, told her thank you and I left. I went back to the club after that and I tried more. They were very blunt and short with me and didn’t let me in. I started walking in a random direction hoping that it was port authority. It was so cold so I hopped inside a random apartment building and told the front desk person that I was waiting for a Jesse Alder or Ader on the third floor and I asked if I can just sit and wait. I did and this guy who lived there had the nerve to “talk” to his dog saying things like people think they can just come to my home and basically he didn’t believe my story but he was very rude in the way he did it. I was crying at that point and I really didn’t know people could say such things to a girl who was crying. Like they couldn’t just keep it to themselves? I have no hope in some people. After that I went outside and into a hotel. I did the same thing and waited like 5 min. Then I reach port authority, buy a 9 dollar ticket with the 12 that I had, and I find out that the bus doesn’t run until 5. At that point I was feeling so helpless so I borrowed the bus guy’s phone and called Kana to pick me up. Unfortunately Kana would have to take the weekend bus, dig our car out, and drive an hour so I had a lot of time to kill. Thank god for kana seriously, she is my savior. I told her to go to the Europan Cafe. I stayed there, got a coffee. Then this homeless guy comes up to me and does the usual. He was drunk. Honestly, I had so much time to kill so I was like you know, maybe I can get a good conversation out of this guy. I tried talking to him, I was very honest, I said you know, what did you want to do when you were younger? he said art. drawing. I told him you need to get control of your life, don’t you want to live life, have a family, have friends? I told him to get in contact with his family, and he said he and his mom have a bad relationship, I told him thats fine, I respect him. I was very respectable, I was very honest too though. He was just agreeing with me saying thank you, you know I really like your honesty, I will remember you. And then things turned and I realized that he didn’t want a good conversation, he wanted a damn relationship. He honestly thought hey maybe I can see you sometime again, maybe we can get dinner. But I was like honestly, you think you are going to see me again? I said wake up do you really think that? But god he was so persistent so I just gave up and said leave me alone, I wanted a good conversation but you obviously are not on the same page as me right now, you just want me in your pants. I forget that people are just horrible and stupid sometimes. So I tell him to go away and he comes back with a damn rose. He lingers, keeps talking, calls me baby and I was like don’t call me baby. Then I was getting really fed up so I got angry told him I could get a cop in here in 2 seconds and tell him that you are harassing me, just please, go the fuck away, I am not in the mood. He goes, comes back, I leave he leaves, I go back in, the guy working there tells him to stay away from me. That guy was a saint too. He let me use his phone so much, he told me I can stay there as long as I want and I can use his phone. I guess there are equally good and bad people in this world? Then this older guy starts talking to me about leaving with him. It was wierd because he was dressed nice, he had this thick accent and he was like you have two options, stay here and be bothered by him or leave. I told him my situation and he said your friend isn’t going to come pick you up. I was just very confused as to what he was saying. He said stuff like I am from Spain I come here once in a while. We are everywhere. He said you know what I mean? you know what I am talking about? he said that so many times. Spanish mafia? I don’t know. He wasn’t crazy though, I can tell. I didn’t know what he was saying and I couldn’t leave cause Kana was coming so I just stayed. I sat from 330 to 530 when finally finally jeepy pulled up.

suburban America

poscaorange — Tue, 22 May 2012 12:48:00 -0400

Malls, Honda Accords, debit cards, sushi, Rutgers-New Brunswick, 287, Google Maps, bagels; I feel sheltered. These things are all so safe. They are so fine tuned and made. Where is the risk? Where is the adventure? Where is the monkey brain, cliff diving, gypsies, penthouse suites, one day trips to Barcelona, candied ants, LSD, or even the fucking circus?

Give me an experience so sweet, so dangerous, so full of life that I refuse to go back to suburban America.

Yes this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

perfect

poscaorange — Sun, 13 May 2012 21:01:53 -0400

Sitting on my mom’s balcony overlooking the nyc skyline with a slight breeze and I think to myself god, how perfect would it be if I had a glass of wine in my hand and if I had some nice bouncy music playing softly in the background. No. Little did I know, everything was already perfect. Everything in that moment was beautiful.

There is too much ‘not enough’ in this world. Why couldn’t I just enjoy the moment for what it was, not for what it could be? I’m going to cut this post here because I speak and think too much and sometimes you have to just stop.

Efficiency, productivity, utilizing resources.

poscaorange — Thu, 19 Apr 2012 00:53:07 -0400

Your life can change by knowing how to use the resources you have. Just today someone asked me to hold a class for them because they were signing up the next day and it would be filled. This impacted my life for about 5 seconds, finding the class and hitting register. Such a tiny thing to one person could completely change the other’s life. We should utilize each other more. Find everyone’s needs and pair it with people who could fulfill it. I wish there was a way to match people’s needs more effectively. We are under-utilizing everything! I want to find my maximum efficiency level and attain it for a full week. I’d probably exhaust quickly but I’d also probably sleep pretty well. Oh what I could accomplish! Oh how incredible I would feel!

TOO CUTE

poscaorange — Sun, 15 Apr 2012 22:07:45 -0400

TOO CUTE

quick note.

poscaorange — Wed, 11 Apr 2012 21:36:19 -0400

I’ve got an exam tomorrow morning that I have yet to study for but I just wanted to make a quick post (I’m procrastinating) about how my theory that everything always works out in the end is true. I had thoughts about how I was a failure, how I would never succeed like my peers, how I’m not cut out for the industry I want to go into but in the end it worked out. But then I thought, what if I didn’t get what I wanted this summer, then what? Everything would still work out in the end. I think I have realized that things happen for a reason. If something doesn’t work out, it means that maybe its a sign that that is not you. Now, if you truly believe that that is you, then you would fight for it and in the end, you would get it. Of course I am generalizing like crazy and of course there are certain situations that this does not apply to but I think if you think this way, the idea of failure becomes less scary. Failure then turns into opportunity and I think that it cultivates a more positive mindset.

lets go to mexico

poscaorange — Sun, 01 Apr 2012 04:43:45 -0400

It’s always a sad experience when someone changes into something you don’t like. They may be happier, they may enjoy life like never before but they aren’t the same, at least to you. Makes you think hey, were they not happy being your friend? Is that why they changed in the first place? No no no, its just the passing of time and life. Appreciate what you had with them in the past but you have to move on, just as they have. Otherwise all you’ll feel is anxiety and anger towards them for the rest of your life and those good memories will be tainted.

—

It is April Fools Day and I am shivering under 3 blankets. My fingers are stiff and icy and my core is shaking. I resort to looking at pictures of sunsets and pools to warm me up. It’s actually helping a lot.

640m

poscaorange — Sat, 31 Mar 2012 16:19:28 -0400

I gave in and bought a lottery ticket. The chances of winning was 170,000,000 to one I believe. 640 million dollars though, heck I’ll buy a ticket even if my chances are near zero. The key word in that sentence is ‘near’.

Before announcing the numbers, there was a special program about previous lottery winners, how some resorted to drugs, some kept working. What would I do? Honestly, the money would change me. I’m not going to sit here and mutter flowery words about how I would give it to charity and save the rest. Money is evil, haven’t we seen that? And 640 million dollars? I would become a monster, anyone would.

The whole experience reminded me so much of the book 1984. Its scary how much our world reflects that world. Myself and millions of people in America were sitting in front of the TV last night grasping onto a single strand of hope, praying that we would be chosen for salvation.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the Hunger Games and the scary similarities we have with their world. Don’t make fun of me for reading those books, I do realize its at a 5th grade level but a page turner is a page turner. Anyway, we are the ‘capital people’. Although the book presents them as these ridiculous and extravagant people who indulge in everything, and although we initially can’t identify ourselves with them, we are them. We color our hair vibrant colors, we have million dollar cars, we enjoy watching reality TV about people’s demise. We hate the Capital, we cheer for district 12. We’re such hypocrites.

Placid Acid by Tourist

poscaorange — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 23:08:56 -0400

Placid Acid by Tourist

canAYdia

poscaorange — Sun, 18 Mar 2012 14:35:25 -0400

Just came back from an amazing week in Montreal. I’m convinced that Canadians are the nicest people in the world. The people we met were beautiful, the food we ate was delicious, and I was able to go with some of the best people I know.

Coming home on the train, I felt reality creeping in slowly. Oh fuck, I have to look for an internship, damn my bank account reads $1.26, shit I have class Monday morning. I felt like I wanted to rip up my passport so they couldn’t let me into the states. Then when we finally arrived at the Penn Station, I was hit with the realization that it was Saint Patrick’s Day and the entire station was filled to the brim with people in green. Drunk people in green. Instantly I was shaking my head. What a dynamic coming from the classy French-Canadians to this shit show. But then something very simple happened. I was on the escalator coming down and on the other side is a girl, alone, obviously drunk, and she screams, “OH,TITS”. And I immediately look at my sister and laugh. This is why I love America. We do whatever the fuck we want and its funny. No one (especially a girl) would ever say that in Canada or Japan. There is a different kind of freedom here that isn’t noticed by Americans but is definitely noticed by foreigners. There is no doubt that sometimes we are stupid, inconsiderate, irresponsible, aggressive, and a million other things but that’s because we are free to be those things right?

Notre Dame

"I would very much like to fall in love, fall in love while eating caramel."

poscaorange — Sun, 11 Mar 2012 03:35:51 -0400

“I would very much like to fall in love, fall in love while eating caramel.”

- Me 4 years ago.

artoftherunway: Diane Von Furstenberg Fall 2012 RTW Ahhh...

poscaorange — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 09:21:55 -0500

artoftherunway:

Diane Von Furstenberg Fall 2012 RTW

Ahhh Spring

Just a thought..turned personal

poscaorange — Sun, 26 Feb 2012 09:11:00 -0500

Be yourself. A phrase that is so engraved in the minds of American children. Never let anyone change who you are. A phrase that gives us confidence in our true selves. But I argue, what if the situation calls for a change? What if the change is for the better? See that’s why I’m not a fan of huge generalized phrases like these. I don’t see anything wrong in changing yourself to fit the environment that you are in.

I have this problem a lot. I come in conflict with myself because I have so many sides to me and when I think about phrases like these, I get confused. There is a side that wants to lay down in my room by myself and listen to Arcade Fire, a side that one day wants to be a millionare at the top of the world, a side that hates corporations, a side that wants to travel the world and feed the hungry, a side that loves funneling beer with friends and screaming in the streets, a side that is shy and quiet, a side that over thinks, a side that is impulsive, a side that is intellectual and philosophical, a side that is analytical and logical, a side that loves and adores the people in my life, a side that hates people for all their wrong-doing, too many sides. I’m pliable, adaptable, inconsistent. Does anyone else have this conflict? If so, I’d like to say that we aren’t hypocritical or untrue to ourselves, we are just very well rounded people. Good excuse right?

Fuck phrases and mottos… Except YOLO!

twotonmantaray: ISWAS+WILLBELife is a journey, not a...

poscaorange — Sun, 19 Feb 2012 21:35:40 -0500

twotonmantaray:

ISWAS+WILLBE
Life is a journey, not a destination. We make jewelry for the journey. From Portland, Oregon

i love the packaging! check out their etsy shop..

lookbookdotnu: Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Day One (by Olivia...

poscaorange — Sun, 12 Feb 2012 03:19:30 -0500

lookbookdotnu:

Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Day One (by Olivia Lopez)

fakingfashion: <3

poscaorange — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 22:04:50 -0500

fakingfashion:

<3