public diary

A real story

I have another personal blog that I write on from time to time.  I found this post from last year and I just read it.  It is crazy.  This is an actual situation that happened to me and thinking back, wow what a good story. I edited out some personal stuff but enjoy.

Last night was just horrible.  I tried getting into the club without an id and they absolutely wouldn’t.  I tried everything I really did.  Then I went to a diner and started crying because, well I don’t know to be honest. The waitress was a sweet heart and gave me tea and skittles.  She was spanish.  So the waitress was telling me about her son who was killed pretty much right before her eyes.  Killed by a ‘stupid woman’ driving.  He was 5.  She showed me a picture.  She was saying how she was very depressed and tried to kill herself 2 times. But she got 2 more kids I believe, after that one and her life is better.  Very kind woman, I hugged her, told her thank you and I left.  I went back to the club after that and I tried more.  They were very blunt and short with me and didn’t let me in.  I started walking in a random direction hoping that it was port authority.  It was so cold so I hopped inside a random apartment building and told the front desk person that I was waiting for a Jesse Alder or Ader on the third floor and I asked if I can just sit and wait.  I did and this guy who lived there had the nerve to “talk” to his dog saying things like people think they can just come to my home and basically he didn’t believe my story but he was very rude in the way he did it.  I was crying at that point and I really didn’t know people could say such things to a girl who was crying.  Like they couldn’t just keep it to themselves? I have no hope in some people.  After that I went outside and into a hotel.  I did the same thing and waited like 5 min.  Then I reach port authority, buy a 9 dollar ticket with the 12 that I had, and I find out that the bus doesn’t run until 5.  At that point I was feeling so helpless so I borrowed the bus guy’s phone and called Kana to pick me up.  Unfortunately Kana would have to take the weekend bus, dig our car out, and drive an hour so I had a lot of time to kill.  Thank god for kana seriously, she is my savior.  I told her to go to the Europan Cafe.  I stayed there, got a coffee. Then this homeless guy comes up to me and does the usual.  He was drunk.  Honestly, I had so much time to kill so I was like you know, maybe I can get a good conversation out of this guy.  I tried talking to him, I was very honest, I said you know, what did you want to do when you were younger? he said art. drawing.  I told him you need to get control of your life, don’t you want to live life, have a family, have friends? I told him to get in contact with his family, and he said he and his mom have a bad relationship, I told him thats fine, I respect him. I was very respectable, I was very honest too though.  He was just agreeing with me saying thank you, you know I really like your honesty, I will remember you.  And then things turned and I realized that he didn’t want a good conversation, he wanted a damn relationship.  He honestly thought hey maybe I can see you sometime again, maybe we can get dinner.  But I was like honestly, you think you are going to see me again? I said wake up do you really think that? But god he was so persistent so I just gave up and said leave me alone, I wanted a good conversation but you obviously are not on the same page as me right now, you just want me in your pants. I forget that people are just horrible and stupid sometimes.  So I tell him to go away and he comes back with a damn rose.  He lingers, keeps talking, calls me baby and I was like don’t call me baby.  Then I was getting really fed up so I got angry told him I could get a cop in here in 2 seconds and tell him that you are harassing me, just please, go the fuck away, I am not in the mood.  He goes, comes back, I leave he leaves, I go back in, the guy working there tells him to stay away from me.  That guy was a saint too.  He let me use his phone so much, he told me I can stay there as long as I want and I can use his phone.  I guess there are equally good and bad people in this world? Then this older guy starts talking to me about leaving with him.  It was wierd because he was dressed nice, he had this thick accent and he was like you have two options, stay here and be bothered by him or leave.  I told him my situation and he said your friend isn’t going to come pick you up.  I was just very confused as to what he was saying.  He said stuff like I am from Spain I come here once in a while.  We are everywhere.  He said you know what I mean? you know what I am talking about? he said that so many times.  Spanish mafia? I don’t know. He wasn’t crazy though, I can tell.  I didn’t know what he was saying and I couldn’t leave cause Kana was coming so I just stayed.  I sat from 330 to 530 when finally finally jeepy pulled up.

suburban America

Malls, Honda Accords, debit cards, sushi, Rutgers-New Brunswick, 287, Google Maps, bagels; I feel sheltered.  These things are all so safe.  They are so fine tuned and made.  Where is the risk?  Where is the adventure? Where is the monkey brain, cliff diving, gypsies, penthouse suites, one day trips to Barcelona, candied ants, LSD, or even the fucking circus? 

Give me an experience so sweet, so dangerous, so full of life that I refuse to go back to suburban America. 

__

Yes this post is completely hypocritical to my previous post.

perfect

Sitting on my mom’s balcony overlooking the nyc skyline with a slight breeze and I think to myself god, how perfect would it be if I had a glass of wine in my hand and if I had some nice bouncy music playing softly in the background.  No.  Little did I know, everything was already perfect.  Everything in that moment was beautiful.  

There is too much ‘not enough’ in this world.  Why couldn’t I just enjoy the moment for what it was, not for what it could be?  I’m going to cut this post here because I speak and think too much and sometimes you have to just stop. 

Efficiency, productivity, utilizing resources.

Your life can change by knowing how to use the resources you have.  Just today someone asked me to hold a class for them because they were signing up the next day and it would be filled.  This impacted my life for about 5 seconds, finding the class and hitting register.  Such a tiny thing to one person could completely change the other’s life.  We should utilize each other more. Find everyone’s needs and pair it with people who could fulfill it.  I wish there was a way to match people’s needs more effectively.  We are under-utilizing everything! I want to find my maximum efficiency level and attain it for a full week.  I’d probably exhaust quickly but I’d also probably sleep pretty well.  Oh what I could accomplish! Oh how incredible I would feel! 

quick note.

I’ve got an exam tomorrow morning that I have yet to study for but I just wanted to make a quick post (I’m procrastinating) about how my theory that everything always works out in the end is true.  I had thoughts about how I was a failure, how I would never succeed like my peers, how I’m not cut out for the industry I want to go into but in the end it worked out.  But then I thought, what if I didn’t get what I wanted this summer, then what? Everything would still work out in the end.  I think I have realized that things happen for a reason.  If something doesn’t work out, it means that maybe its a sign that that is not you.  Now, if you truly believe that that is you, then you would fight for it and in the end, you would get it.  Of course I am generalizing like crazy and of course there are certain situations that this does not apply to but I think if you think this way, the idea of failure becomes less scary.  Failure then turns into opportunity and I think that it cultivates a more positive mindset.  

lets go to mexico

It’s always a sad experience when someone changes into something you don’t like.  They may be happier, they may enjoy life like never before but they aren’t the same, at least to you.  Makes you think hey, were they not happy being your friend? Is that why they changed in the first place?  No no no, its just the passing of time and life.  Appreciate what you had with them in the past but you have to move on, just as they have.  Otherwise all you’ll feel is anxiety and anger towards them for the rest of your life and those good memories will be tainted.  

—

It is April Fools Day and I am shivering under 3 blankets.  My fingers are stiff and icy and my core is shaking.  I resort to looking at pictures of sunsets and pools to warm me up.  It’s actually helping a lot. 

640m

I gave in and bought a lottery ticket.  The chances of winning was 170,000,000 to one I believe.  640 million dollars though, heck I’ll buy a ticket even if my chances are near zero.  The key word in that sentence is ‘near’. 

Before announcing the numbers, there was a special program about previous lottery winners, how some resorted to drugs, some kept working.  What would I do?  Honestly, the money would change me.  I’m not going to sit here and mutter flowery words about how I would give it to charity and save the rest.  Money is evil, haven’t we seen that? And 640 million dollars? I would become a monster, anyone would. 

The whole experience reminded me so much of the book 1984.  Its scary how much our world reflects that world.  Myself and millions of people in America were sitting in front of the TV last night grasping onto a single strand of hope, praying that we would be chosen for salvation. 

I’ve also been thinking a lot about the Hunger Games and the scary similarities we have with their world.  Don’t make fun of me for reading those books, I do realize its at a 5th grade level but a page turner is a page turner. Anyway, we are the ‘capital people’.  Although the book presents them as these ridiculous and extravagant people who indulge in everything, and although we initially can’t identify ourselves with them, we are them.  We color our hair vibrant colors, we have million dollar cars, we enjoy watching reality TV about people’s demise. We hate the Capital, we cheer for district 12.  We’re such hypocrites. 

canAYdia

Just came back from an amazing week in Montreal.  I’m convinced that Canadians are the nicest people in the world.  The people we met were beautiful, the food we ate was delicious, and I was able to go with some of the best people I know. 

Coming home on the train, I felt reality creeping in slowly.  Oh fuck, I have to look for an internship, damn my bank account reads $1.26, shit I have class Monday morning. I felt like I wanted to rip up my passport so they couldn’t let me into the states.  Then when we finally arrived at the Penn Station, I was hit with the realization that it was Saint Patrick’s Day and the entire station was filled to the brim with people in green.  Drunk people in green.  Instantly I was shaking my head.  What a dynamic coming from the classy French-Canadians to this shit show.  But then something very simple happened. I was on the escalator coming down and on the other side is a girl, alone, obviously drunk, and she screams, “OH,TITS”. And I immediately look at my sister and laugh.  This is why I love America.  We do whatever the fuck we want and its funny.  No one (especially a girl) would ever say that in Canada or Japan.  There is a different kind of freedom here that isn’t noticed by Americans but is definitely noticed by foreigners.  There is no doubt that sometimes we are stupid, inconsiderate, irresponsible, aggressive, and a million other things but that’s because we are free to be those things right?

Notre Dame

Just a thought..turned personal

Be yourself.  A phrase that is so engraved in the minds of American children.  Never let anyone change who you are.  A phrase that gives us confidence in our true selves.  But I argue, what if the situation calls for a change?  What if the change is for the better?  See that’s why I’m not a fan of huge generalized phrases like these.  I don’t see anything wrong in changing yourself to fit the environment that you are in.  

I have this problem a lot.  I come in conflict with myself because I have so many sides to me and when I think about phrases like these, I get confused.  There is a side that wants to lay down in my room by myself and listen to Arcade Fire, a side that one day wants to be a millionare at the top of the world, a side that hates corporations, a side that wants to travel the world and feed the hungry, a side that loves funneling beer with friends and screaming in the streets, a side that is shy and quiet, a side that over thinks, a side that is impulsive, a side that is intellectual and philosophical, a side that is analytical and logical, a side that loves and adores the people in my life, a side that hates people for all their wrong-doing, too many sides.  I’m pliable, adaptable, inconsistent.  Does anyone else have this conflict?  If so, I’d like to say that we aren’t hypocritical or untrue to ourselves, we are just very well rounded people.  Good excuse right? 

Fuck phrases and mottos…  Except YOLO!